JTBL #13 – How To Become A Negativity Vortex Refugee

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“Hey uhmm.. You said you don’t do one night stands,” she whispered with her Austrian accent.

“Huh?” I turned to look at this beautiful woman-creature lying naked in my arms.

She cleared her throat and asked more seriously. “You said you do not do one night stands. But you just do them with people you feel connected to.”

She stared at me with round eyes. Those beautiful brown eyes..

This exact question was originally the one that made this particular woman stand out from the Tinder matches. It spoke to me of an interest in human beings rather than social conventions.

An interest in a person – imagine that!

This was a multifaceted and complicated subject for anyone, and it’s always awesome to be in the company of someone who understands that. But I couldn’t see her angle. Partly for the funky accent, but also because she was quite conserved in her emotional expression.

I couldn’t get a read on this woman. Most people I see through, or at least catch a glimpse of what’s going on. Not this girl. And now she was staring into my soul with those honestly inquisitive brown eyes, with this simple, yet incredibly deep question.

I blinked a couple of times and straightened my thoughts. “Oh. Sure. Thing is, if I feel a connection with someone, I want to see them again. So in that sense, why leave it at a one night stand?”

“Oh. That makes sense.” She replied and receded into her thoughts.

It made sense to me, at least. Did she agree? I couldn’t say. I read people pretty well, but this was one closed enigma to me.

Which made her all the more intriguing.

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You know when finding motivation feels like trudging through a tar pit with shoes a couple sizes too big?

Well, life in the past few weeks has been a constant battle of trying to find motivation and stay motivated. Sure, focusing isn’t exactly my strong suit, and I admit to taking too much free time for myself. It’s Maribor. It’s becoming too small for me. Sure, I enjoy my local friend’s company, and bless him he’s been doing everything in his power to make it the best stay for me. But I’m getting fucking fed up with finding a different creepy crawlie on my apartment floor every gorram night. And spiders aside, my habitat has become a negativity vortex. And it’s eating me from the inside.IMG_20150522_032732

I need a big city’s energy around me. People’s personal problems in this small village are way too close for comfort. They are not my problems, and yet, they’re invading my space. They’re dragging me down. Add to that this other bloke from down South who brings constant conflict and negative energy even from 200km away. Our coaching sessions ended up with him completely rejecting the idea of change and turning it into resent towards me.

So that’s a result, I guess. My mistake for trying to help, perhaps. But also a bitter lesson that some people .. just do not want help. A humbling experience for sure. Also makes me queasy for even using the word “help” here. But I try.

It’s funny how negativity creeps up on you. First it’s all productive and positive. Then you feel a bit slow, perhaps a bit unmotivated. Then suddenly you’re neck deep in this nasty atmosphere.

Solution: GET OUT IMMEDIATELY.

I’m crossing the border to Croatia next week. Aiming to find a more constructive social circle, and escape this internet nerd-community. Speak with real people.

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Not that I haven’t tried. I got frustrated with playing a rather futile cat-mouse game with the girl from Graz trying to find out if she’s interested in meeting again. Which led me through a rollercoaster of neediness, desire, and frustration. And after getting dangerously close to becoming a groveling loser, I shook my head, grabbed myself by the scruff of the neck and aimed towards new adventures.

See, there was this waitress girl. I spoke to her a couple months back when I arrived in the city, and we exchanged phone numbers. It was mostly to say hi to a waitress in that restaurant I planned on visiting more often, but there was something curious about her… Something.. eye-catching.

New plans came and went and we never ended up doing anything. Now I was throwing messages to every and anyone asking people out. And surprisingly, it was the waitress who was eager to see me. So I dropped by the restaurant for a coke and a smoke and we had a chat. And what a chat it was! She was interested in philosophy, psychology, cooking, and life in general, and I was enthralled!

She was broken, though. Had an addiction to abusive boyfriends – a massive red light to me, especially considering my attempt at removing myself from negative influences. But.. she seemed quite eager to take a load off and hell, I enjoyed the chat, so we had a drink that night.

Which may have lead us to having another drink. And meeting some awesome people.

Which may have lead us to having a couple of tequilas.

Which may have lead us to dancing quite intimately at some club.

If I tell you at this point that she went home by herself and I went home by myself, you’d probably be disappointed.

Don’t worry, I would’ve been disappointed as well, so I ran after her. She was adamant that nothing could happen because her recently ex-boyfriend was coming to pick up stuff in the morning.

Sure.

Whatever.

As it happens, we did nothing .. too serious. Of course, semi-innocent fooling around the whole night meant that we were both horny as hell by morning. Basically using her last hung over strength of will, she kicked my ass out before her ex came by. But riddle me this – what happens when a horny to the point of bursting woman meets her ex-lover?

Yes, later I heard they got back together with her boyfriend.

*sigh*

It would be sad if it weren’t so gorram funny.

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These musician fellows, though, wanted me to join them at this party a few days after. I’m always up for adventure, so sure I wanted to join!

On the way there, I heard the party is actually a concert. Refreshing! The venue turned out to be a studio. Housing an underground radio station, a shitton of awesome people, and a band practice room in the back. The featured artist turned out to be a solo reggae artist dude with a guitar and a soundbox.

An adventure.

Smoking stuff I shouldn’t have, drinking cheap wines in amounts I shouldn’t have, and cheesy rock stories I should’ve been a part of. Even got to jamming with the dudes with my sorely rusty drumming. Only dropped the sticks twice!

I’ve missed that.

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Also made an ass of myself with this one girl due to being fucking wasted.

*rolleyes* I should stop drinking, I guess.

She begrudgingly gave me her phone number. Which just pisses me off, btw. It was obvious she didn’t want to. I mean, could someone just have the fucking balls to fucking reject me properly? Enough of this weak-ass bullshit already. As I guessed, the next day she wasn’t exactly enthusiastic about answering. Oh well.

And yet, I find myself thinking of this Austrian girl. It might sound a bit like “she’s the one”-itis, but luckily I’m not that far gone. It’s just horribly difficult to stay cool.

It comes down to a scarcity mentality, a feeling of neediness and having to cling on to that one girl in the world. When you absolutely MUST have this one particular girl. It’s deceptive as well, because this sort of idea is being sold as romantic by the mainstream. And yet, it’s the one reason why you can’t be perfectly happy with that particular girl. You can never be truly honest and give positive energy to someone if you’re clinging on to them, because at some level you’re afraid of losing them. It’s absolutely not a positive place to be, and I wanted to get out of it. But it was like a maze of feelings in my brain with no way out. Something was just not clicking.

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Eventually, through freewriting and spinning these ideas from many angles, it started making sense. A lightbulb brightened in my dusty cobwebbed little head. I hadn’t been honest about my intentions. I thought I had, I truly did! But what I wanted was this:

I want to see her again.

I’d been dancing around the subject because I was afraid of being vulnerable, putting pressure on her, or scaring her away. I was afraid, because I was supposed to be the aloof guy with no commitments anywhere. But at the end of the day, none of that matters. I’m gonna be that guy anyway, so I might as well accept it.

I had a lot of fun. You’re fascinating and I want to see you again. I hate being pressured into anything and I hate pressuring people into anything, so please don’t take this as any sort of obligation. But that’s how I feel and you make me feel that way. And I think it’s kinda cool.

The maze in my head was no longer a maze, but a lovely little park. With sun shining. And birds singing. And a syrup tree pouring overly sentimental molten cheese all over my laptop oh for fuck’s sake

-Jay

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